J.A.H (Just a Little Help)

After much thought and prayer, I have finally decided to move forward with my nonprofit. Despite the many obstacles that come with raising a child with Aspergers, it has been one of my greatest joys. In honor of my son, I've decided to dedicate my nonprofit in honor of him. I am looking for individuals interested in volunteering their time to assist children on the Autism spectrum as a mentor with social and organization skills..... stay tuned...

Aspergers + Middle School+ 6 Index Cards= Continuous Progress

Its been a while since I've posted but I'm back again. We made it through the first year of middle school and boy was it a journey!!! All through Elementary School I thought I was the parent expert as it pertained to Aspergers. I thought I had it all under control and just knew all the sticky notes all over the house and the color coordinated binder we prepared for Middle School would make Middle School just as easy to navigate as Elementary School... OH HOW WRONG I WAS!! I hadn't considered the hormonal or extreme social changes we would face nearly the entire school year. I found myself becoming more and more frustrated trying to address many of the issues without remembering all the tools and knowledge I had gained over the years about my sons difference. Jahmeir became quit popular rather quickly and I soon became worried that his popularity was for all the wrong reasons. Naturally, his peers loved his appearance and his sense of humor but as they began to notice his difference, humor became frustration for his peers and he began experiencing rejection. He tried his best to self process these situations and I found myself constantly saying "you're twelve now, you shouldn't be this immature or you should know how to make friends and choose the right ones". What was wrong with this response? Simple, I had forgotten that Aspergers doesn't change with age.  If I'm being completely honest, it becomes exhausting after years of prompting and routines and you think "ok he's got it now" all to discover, if anything, he needs more prompting and support now more than ever. I started reading books again and trying different things and nothing seemed to work. One day in a conversation with my son, I realized I was seeking advice from everything and everyone but the actual source, my child. I then decided to do an activity with Jahmeir that allowed me to see how he felt and perceived me as a parent. Initially, he was apprehensive but I ensured him this was a safe space to speak freely and honestly express yourself. We did an activity where we both took 6 index cards. On 3 cards we wrote positive traits about the other and on the remaining 3 cards we wrote 3 negative things about the other that we wanted the other to work on. This was the best activity I've ever done and it provided me with great insight on creating new routines with his input and perspective in mind. All in all, this school year taught me that Aspergers requires continuous practice. There is no one way that works. My advice to parents out there raising a pre-teen / teen with aspergers is to remain patient remember be it 5 years or 15 years, the journey is an ongoing process so the sooner you accept that the easier your journey.

Hello's and Goodbye's

I came home today after being away from Jah for over a week!! Its really crazy that no matter how old he grows whenever I see my son my eyes still light up like the day I first met him. I ran into his school like a kid chasing the ice cream truck. Being able to wrap my arms around him is literally the best feeling in the world and even though I am his mom and I’m sure he looks to me as his protection, I find so much comfort and safety in those moments with him. A child’s love is the purest form of love. It has no conditions and is free of all judgment we often face daily from others. I am currently experiencing a rough place right now in my life and Jahmeir is a constant reminder of the many things I didn’t have the opportunity to experience prior to him becoming apart of my life. The love I have for my son overwhelms my soul. This love has literally been a driving force in all I do.  After a great reunion with Jah, my plans were to go home and do homework and just laugh it up together, but those plans came to a halt when we got news that my aunt's dog (Capone) died. 

I  honestly never understood how people bonded so closely with animals until my aunt got Capone. He was born shortly before I gave birth to Jahmeir. From the moment Jahmeir and Capone met, I knew why they refer to dogs as a “mans best friend”. Capone could recognize Jahmeir’s voice miles away and even during phone conversations, he would run to the phone and sit next to my aunt to hear what Jahmeir was saying. As I am writing this, I have not yet told Jahmeir the news. I am struggling with what to say and more so, how do I provide him the comfort he will need when I share this news with him….

Breaking The News

As expected, Jahmeir did not handle the news well. The struggle was trying to get him to understand that dogs don’t live as long as humans. Of course being a kid with aspergers, he has combated every explanation. He did however provide me with some great insight. When I asked him if he wanted to talk his response was “Capone was like my brother and he really loved me”. The gift of love is free and can be found in the simplest forms and unexpected relationships and bonds.

Tonight’s post is in memory of Capone “Jah’s Best Friend” 

Breaking the Cycle (A Mothers Cry)

I wonder sometimes about what life would be like with my father still alive. For the life of me I cannot see how him dying was for the better. Was I supposed to be born into a vicious cycle of abuse? I try not to question my story but embrace every obstacle I have went through so many things as proof that I am an overcomer. But even after overcoming what happens to all the hurt and pain I had to endure while going through? It reminds me of a football game. The star quarterback throws the winning pass as he it tackled and knocked on conscious. For a few moments he blacks out and awakens to a screaming crowd. He is checked out by the aide on the field and is able to get up and brush himself off. Does he celebrate? In that moment he is fine but who is to say what the long-term impacts of that tackle will be? Will it matter then that he was a star quarterback years later when he is having delusions that resulted from all the hits he endured after years of being tackled? At what point do we recognize the impact of injury? Because he got up at that moment why do we not perform the x-ray to dig deeper to see what impacts and deeper injuries he really sustained? This concept is the same in life. I feel like I’ve overcome many things in life. I’ve played the role of the star quarterback. I’ve thrown the winning pass at many games in life. I’ve taken the hits and gotten back up. I’ve been the MVP. And while in the moment it feels great at the top, in the midst of the crowd cheering, I’m reminded of the injuries. Was it all worth it? What will I become? Was it necessary for me to endure all that time? So now here I stand 32 years later. In my mind I like to believe I’m much bigger and better than those hits, but my mind and heart aches. I am angry. I am bitter. I cry. I scream. I want it all to end. And there stands my beautiful son. Have I taken him to try out for the same football team I played for? Have I exposed him to those unfixable injuries I too endured? As his mom it’s my job to protect him right? Yet I still sign him up for try outs and take him to the practices even though I know he deserves better. I then realize I am exposing my son to the same vicious cycle of abuse. Given the unique differences my son has being a black male with Aspergers, what is his perception of what a man should be? What is his perception of women? As parents we may sometimes think our children are oblivious to what is going on around them or even right in the home. We have no idea that the events that’s transpire in the home all play a role in shaping your child’s character and outlook on life itself. I was often told that I was a mean little girl and the assumption was often because of loosing my father .No one ever knew what was going on in my home. I often tell teachers that if you really wonder understand why a child acts out all you have to do is visit the home. I am charged as Jahmeir’s mother to recognize the mistakes of my past and in my childhood and all the things that were painful for me it makes no sense to inflict the same pain on my son. So even in the midst of the tears I shed in posting this, my tears can only be motivation to breaking the cycle so Jahmeir comes out on top.

Preparing for Middle School

It's clearly been a long time since I've been on here but I back!! Jahmeir is now and 5th grade and it's been a real journey. Our best year so far has been 3rd grade. His teacher was truly amazing and went the extra mile to help ensure that despite his difference he still excelled and did an exceptional job in 3rd grade. We started behavior therapy, which I have my likes and dislikes about, but overall I've seen Jahmeir really grow and mature in many ways. As he has grown, the social struggles have changed and so we still struggle socially with many things. While Jahmier has become better aware of others feelings and has become well versed in have dialogue that considers all parties involved, he still faces challenges with making friends and interacting with his peers without somehow wondering off on his own or becoming annoyed when he's around a crowd of people.

I must be honest and say I was not at all pleased with the 4th grade. Jahmeir's teacher was a sweet heart but lacked the skills and structure that Jahmeir needed to remain organized and focused. We

watched Jahmeir regress both socially and academically and it drove me crazy!! The teacher wanted so bad to impress me and focused so much on that, that Jahmeir got lost and really did not have a successful 4th grade year.

Moving on to 5th grade... So far his teacher is one of the BEST yet!! Jahmeir jumped 2 reading levels only in a month or so of school and came home so excited about school, which was the complete opposite of last year. He is also back to being above level in math but his test anxiety remains a struggle with testing. I hate testing because it doesn't truly show what a child does or doesn't know. This has been our new task and it's been an interesting one. Thank God Jahmeir loves technology because much of what he has to achieve this year and for middle and high school involves research. So far it's been pretty good because the topics have been of interest to him but we will see when it's a topic he isn't interested in. Jahmier is also playing the clarinet now and is into basketball which is great!! He has identified several friends at school what he has hung with outside of school.

We are now preparing for middle school and I must admit I AM SCARED OUT MY MIND!! I worry for the same reasons most moms worry when their kids are transitioning into a new phase in life. I'm back to blogging so I will be sure to blog the journey.... Stay tuned.

Jahmeir 2nd grade ending

Overall I can't say I'm completely happy with Jahmeir's 2nd grade academic year. In fact he seems to have regressed in reading, which was his best subject. While I feel that his teacher was very nice, it was clear she was not capable of dealing with a student with Jahmeir's needs. I think it's important that teachers receive trainings about ASD because kids with ASD are not necessarily in special education in fact a large population of them are in the general education classrooms but struggle with the social piece. Jahmeir's attention has been a huge issue this school year and its seems to become harder and harder for him to focus and follow through with a task. It's also very frustrating for me as a parent and at times I think I push him too hard. It probably has alot to do with the culture aspect as well because african american parents tend to be in extreme denial about our children's disabilities and struggles and we look at it as a fault of ourselves which turns into frustration and sometimes anger. (Side Bar)

I think I am going to move Jahmeir to a new school for 3rd grade with a different population and see how he does. He needs a smaller classroom size where the teachers is not overwhelmed and I know at least most of his needs will be met. Call me crazy but I will do whatever it takes to ensure my son has a good experience in school as I know as he gets older the challenges he will face because of his difference will become harder and harder...

Day 1

Jahmeir had a HIGH FIVE DAY (he needed few to no reminders to stay on task). I'm so happy that today he got his homework done in 10 minutes!!! Jahmeir cracks me up with his random outbursts of laughter. I asked him a few minutes ago what he was thinking about and he told me he wants to be an avenger so he can protect his family...UMMMM okay Jahmeir I didn't know we were in danger....Then he take off...lol i took a quick picture of him because its soooo hilarious.

I wanted to do this blog to also help myself. Its hard to open up and freely express your fears and doubts about parenting a child with an Autism Spectrum Disorder. It even took me a while to accept the fact that Jahmeir was different although I saw the signs early. Jahmeir was fluently reading at 3. I was so amazed with his ability to read so well and his imagination was well beyond the typical child's imagination. Despite this wonderful discovery the random self talk and "stemming" was far too obvious. I remember when his preschool teacher bought it to my attention. I could tell she was scared to say something to me but I'm happy she did. I won't lie though I denied her observation until he was in Kindergarden and would play alone at recess and had poor social skills.

After the initial diagnosis I cried A LOT!! I blamed myself... what had I done wrong? But there was no worse pain then the pain of seeing your child cry because they didn't know how to make friends or because they have a hard time focusing.

"The kids laugh at me mommy"
" I can't go to school"
"I'm trying mommy but I just can't stop talking to myself"

What was I suppose to do?? I had to get my child help.... Sad thing is the necessary help needed isn't included in my insurance so that means I pay out of pocket for his therapy. But you know what.... its for him so its worth it!! Well that's enough got today... I've just babbled about in the post!! I hope u enjoy!! COME ALONG FOR THE JOURNEY AND FEEL FREE TO COMMENT!!